Senin, 01 Februari 2010

Fuckation #4

Episode sebelumnya : Roid dengan pongahnya menobatkan dirinya sebagai Travelling God padahal ini kali pertamanya menaiki kereta api ke luar Jakarta.Kalau FBR tahu,pasti rumah Roid sudah dibakar karena mereka pasti mengira bahwa Travelling God adalah Tuhan sebuah sekte sesat yang menyembah koper atau charger (ingat travelling charger?).

Hari pertama di Bali,Roid membunuh HP-nya sendiri,yang dulu dengan norak dan sok lucunya dia namakan Ryan sang penjagal dari Jombang,dengan cara menenggelamkannya di laut Dream Land Bali. Seorang teman menyarankan agar dia menamakan hape barunya nanti dengan nama Haji Baiquni alias Babe.Saran dipertimbangkan.


Day 2

Kematian Ryan nggak membuat mood gw turun.Paling sedih dikit.Wajarlah ya.Kehilangan hp cantik sekaligus dildo.Hari ke dua rutenya agak jauh jadi kita rental mobil.Yang nyetir Siska.Tiga orang cowok nggak ada yang bisa nyetir.Nggak salah kalo gw menyebutnyanya Travelling Goddess of Travelling God.Harga sewa mobil 24 jam 180 ribu.Itu kalo loe punya kenalan,karena kalau ngga,harganya 250 ribu-an.

Jadi tips travelling God kali ini :

Untuk mendapatkan harga rental mobil yang murah,cari kenalan di Bali.Caranya,1 tahun sebelum berlibur,chatting dulu di MIRC dengan channel #Bali, #Sexbali, #SexTerusDapetKembalianPermen or anything yang ada hubungannya sama Bali.Target : kenalan dengan satu orang lawan jenis.Sebelumnya tanya dulu apakah dia punya kenalan pemilik rental mobil.Lebih bagus jika dia adalah anak pemilik rental mobil atau pemiliknya sendiri. Jika jawabannya "ya",lanjutkan obrolan. Chattinglah dengan intense. Minta nomor HP. Sms setiap saat,bombardir dengan perhatian. Ketika dia terjerat bujuk rayu,nyatakan cinta. Lalu lanjutkan hubungan cinta virtual sampai liburan tiba.

Satu minggu sebelum waktu liburan,minta dia booking mobil di rental.Paksa dia mendapatkan harga serendah-rendahnya.Minimal 180 ribu.Tunjukkan blog ini kalau dia bilang tidak mungkin mendapatkan harga segitu.Setelah dia berhasil mendapatkan mobil dengan harga murah,tidurlah dengan tenang untuk menyimpan energi di Bali nanti.

Setelah di Bali,jangan lupa bertemu dulu dengannya.Basa-basilah.Jika dia cantik/atau tampan,bercumbulah dengannya.Jika dia tidak sesuai selera,menangislah sejadi-jadinya sambil terisak-isak lalu bilang,"a..a..a..aku mengidap HIV..maafkan akuuu".Sebelum dia pergi,minta dulu kunci mobil dan alamatnya untuk mengembalikan mobil lalu jangan lupa ucapkan terimakasih sambil bilang,"jangan takut,HIV tidak menular lewat sentuhan,kita tetap bisa jadi sahabat,kan?" agar dia masih mau membantu jika kita membutuhkan bantuan.Setelah dia pulang,bawa kunci dengan riang dan nyalakan mobilnya.

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Oh..back to liburan di Bali.Kemana aja kita hari ke dua?See the pictures..(Gw sengaja membuat tulisan tentang liburan gw sesedikit mungkin karena tentunya tips dari gw lebih bermanfaat dan informatif kan daripada cerita tentang perjalanan gw yang pasti akan membuat kalian bosan)

1. Bedugul


Danau Bedugul menyenangkan.Nggak sia-sia perjalanan berjam-jam melewati lembah dan jalan berliku-liku,danaunya indah dan udaranya sejuk.Dan di sini ada paraisaling juga ternyata.Harganya sama dengan yang di Benoa,50/70 ribu,gw lupa.Tapi kalau di Benoa rutenya cuma satu kali putaran speed boat,di sini bisa berkali-kali.Dan diameter putarnya juga lebih besar.Gw nggak menyarankan lu untuk tidak berparasailing di benoa ya,bisa-bisa gw dituntut sama manajernya.Gw cuma bilang,di Benoa satu kali putaran kecil,di Bedugul berkali-kali putaran besar.Gitu lho ya.Ingat,di Benoa satu kali putaran kecil,di Bedugul berkali-kali putaran besar.

Di Bedugul ada boat sewaan yang bisa digunakan untuk menyebrang ke seberang danau.Sebenernya kita mau nyewa boat itu,tapi kita mikir-mikir karena budget yang...eh..oh..hellooo...mana mungkin gara-gara budget..inget ya..kita ke sini untuk hidup glamour!glamour!Maksudnya, kita mikir-mikir,boatnya aman nggak ya..soalnya nggak ada sekoci di boat itu.Tapi ada seorang ibu-ibu yang mengajak kita (dengan sedikit memaksa) untuk menyewa boat itu.Karena harga sewa boat = 100.000,jadi dia pikir mending di sewa bareng-bareng aja,agak mahal kalo dia sewa sendiri.Aaaahhh....untung ada ibu-ibu itu..jadi kita bisa membantunya untuk menghemat pengeluarannya.Karena siapa bilang u can't be glamour and humble at the same time?

Boatnya seru.Si abang supir sengaja bermanuver sehingga boatnya ngepot-ngepot.Fun!We had the loudest laugh in days.Sambil ngepot-ngepot kita makan siang dengan duren kemasan seharga 10 ribu yang kita beli sebelumnya.Enaaak.Makan duren di atas boat yang melaju kencang membelah danau bersama ibu-ibu asing,it couldn't be more absurd. Si Ibu-ibu heboh banget promosi kalo di seberang danau bagus banget tempatnya,ada kebun bunga gitu.Gw udah ngebayangin kaya di Belanda aja,kebun bunga tulip dan kincir angin..But this was what we found :


Kelihatannya emang bagus,tp ternyata ini cuma komplek vila
yang belum jadi.Kosong.Banyak nyamuk.Lihat ibu-ibu asing itu di foto
bawah kanan.Posturnya semlohai sekali.

Akhirnya,boat sewaan datang lagi menjemput.Ternyata,menurut sang sopir boat,kebun bunga yang dipromosikan ibu-ibu itu,ada di sebelah kanan komplek villa ini.Akhirnya,karena penasaran,kita nyebrang di sana.Dan nambah lagi biayanya.Sial.

Dasar perek tu ibu-ibu!Kesel gw harus ngeluarin duit lagi.Lu ngerti kan?Walaupun cuma 20ribuan,tapi tetep aja itu duit.Banyak!bisa buat makan siang dan segala macem!Gw udah sengaja makan siang pake duren murahan!Tau gitu gw beli makan siang deh!Arrrghh..dasar pelacur!

Oh..tentu saja yang tadi itu bukan suara jeritan hati gw.Itu gw yang sedang membayangkan kalau yang jadi gw tadi itu kalian,travelling amateur.Pastilah ya..kalian kesal sekali dan mengumpat-ngumpat seperti itu.Hoaaahmm..ya..ya..ya.amateur.Dan kurang dana.Maklum.

Oke,back to perjalanan kita.Ternyata nama tempat itu adalah:

2. Uludanu

Uludanu adalah taman di seberang Bedugul.Cantik.Di situ ada pura-pura kecil dan bunga-bunga yang lumayan indahlah.Kalau kalian ingat video heboh promo Malaysia soal Tari Pendet,tempat ini adalah tempat penari pendet itu lenggak-lenggok.Setelah melihat tempat ini,si Ibu itu langsung menjerit kecil dan orgasme.Puas dia.Akhirnya tempat yang dia promosikan dari tadi,bisa dia kunjungi juga.





kiri bawah : Siska dan Ibu-ibu itu akrab sekali,bagai anak raja dan gundik ayahnya.

Selesai dari Uludanu kita balik lagi ke Bedugul dengan boat.Fun lagi!Jerit-jerit lagi! Setelah itu lanjut ke Lovina,yang kata Nora,ada lumba-lumbanya.

3.Lovina
Perjalan dari Bedugul ke Lovina tidak memakan waktu banyak.Setengah jam-an.Sampe di Lovina,kita agak kaget karena suasananya yang sepi.Kasian penjual-penjual di situ,apalagi penjual souvenirnya.Sangkin sepinya,mereka nawarin kalungnya seharga 1000 rupiah.Gw ngga beli,karena harganya masih lebih mahal dari harga diri gw waktu itu.Di tanggal itu,saham bakrie lagi turun,harga diri gw turun seiring turunnya harga saham Bakrie.

Kalau mau lihat lumba-lumba,kita harus menyewa boat seharga 200 ribu.Tapi lumba-lumba baru muncul sekitar jam 6 pagi.Sedangkan kita nyampe di situ sore.Kalau jam 6 pagi,kata Nora lewat twitter,kita bahkan nggak perlu ke tengah laut,di sekitaran pantai aja udah bisa keliatan sekawanan lumba-lumba yang berenang.Wow..pasti bagus.Di sini juga ada patung Brondan Prakoso lho,si penemu lumba-lumba.Si Lumba-lumbaa..makan duluu...begitu tulisan yang tertera di bawah patungnya.Jadi,belajar dari kita,kalo mau ke Louvina pagi-pagi aja ya. Tapi daripada perjalanan sia-sia,kita akhirnya mandi-mandi di laut.Pasirnya item.Ngga asik ah.

Ending hari ke-dua agak-agak turn off,ditutup dengan mandi-mandi di pantai yang sebenernya bisa kita lakukan di Kuta atau Ancol atau CBL yang di deket Cibitung.


Day 3

Hari ketiga masih mengambil rute yang jauh.Tujuannya ke arah Ubud dan istana Tampak Siring.Seperti biasa,gw dan Banu cuma teronggok di kursi belakang sambil mengunyah-ngunyah snack.Sedangkan Siska repot menyetir dan Ficky ribet membaca peta.Tiba-tiba kita melihat plang sebuah museum,Museum Antonio Blanco.Segera kita memasukinya.Secara inisiatif,gw menghampiri penerima tamu di museum itu.Ternyata ada harga tiket masuk.Satu orang 25 ribu.Gw beringsut pelan-pelan.Tubuh gw limbung.Pandangan menjadi kabur dan berkunang-kunang.Du..dua pul..luh..lima ribu?oh..pasti yang lain tidak sanggup membayar..padahal gw pengen banget masuk ke dalam.This is what an educated uber sexual guy should do on his vacation : Mengunjungi.Museum.Seni.It will make me a uber sexual guy completely.I want it so bad.Gw terisak-isak dalam kebimbangan...ini sulit..ini dilema..apa gw tinggalkan saja yang lain dan masuk sendiri?Tapi itu berarti gw egois..dan pria egois itu bukan pria uber sexual.

Akhirnya setelah berdebat dengan pikiran sendiri,gw putuskan untuk jujur kepada mereka.Dan ajaibnya,mereka langsung,"oh..ya udah..masuk yuk".Oh..terimakasih Tuhan..mereka pasti mau mengorbankan sebagian besar gaji mereka untuk masuk ke museum ini karena mengerti keinginanku yang besar untuk menjadi pria uber sexual seutuhnya.

Museum Antonio Blanco is Amazing.Breath Taking.Sayangnya kita ga boleh foto lukisan-lukisan di dalam museum.Akhirnya cuma foto-foto di luar.

oh..im'uber sexual.Perhatikan foto di atas.Terlihat seperti foto
untuk iklan hotel kan?btw,25 ribu itu udah include bunga
kamboja buat disematkan di kuping dan minuman caramel
yang seger banget.


Setelah dari museum,kita ke Ubud,foto-foto bentar terus ke Istana Tampak Siring.Sayang ternyata nggak boleh masuk.Harus izin dulu 1 minggu sebelumnya,itu pun izin ke istana negara yang di Jakarta baru nanti yang di Jakarta fax ke petugas tampak Siring di Bali untuk konfirm kedatangan kita.Ribet.Tapi katanya peraturan ini baru diberlakukan semenjak ada bom bali pertama.Sempak lah para bomber itu.Padahal kata Siska,dalemnya bagus banget.



Setelah dari Tampak Siring kita bingung mau kemana.Di perjalanan,kita melihat ada tempat yang rame sama wisatawan.Ya udah kita mampir.Nama tempat wisatanya Tirta Empul.Di dalamnya ada tempat-tempat ibadah umat Hindu gitu.

Ternyata di situ ada kolam doa.Jadi ada pancuran yang berderet.Harusnya kita mandi di bawah seluruh pancuran,dan berurutan.Tapi gw dan Banu mandi sesukanya.dari tengah,ke pojok kiri,ke tengah lagi.Padahal orang-orang khusyuk berdoa.Bule-bule aja ikut aturan.


Dan sebenernya,di kolam kecil itu kita nggak boleh berenang.Tapi gw dan Banu dengan pedenya berenang bolak-balik dan menganggap itu kolam renang Bulungan.Tadinya gw mau renang indah bolak-balik,bak angsa,terus loncat indah.Tapi nggak jadi,kenapa?nggak berani?Lah,pan nggak ada kostum baletnya,nggak ada papan loncatnya juga.Gimana sih?Tapi airnya emang sejuk banget deh.Sumpah.Seger banget abis mandi di kolam itu.


Oh ya,sarungnya nyewa,harganya sukarela.Kita ngasih 10 ribu.Jadi lu nggak perlu repot-repot bawa sarung dari rumah dan membayar koper tambahan.Terimakasih lu sama gw,kalo ngga gara-gara blog ini,pasti lu ribet bawa sarung.Karena ingat ya,kita mau bersenang-senang di sini..bukan sunat.I mean..when you heard the word Glamourous or seeing Paris Hilton,do the first word popped out in your mind is "Sarung"? Ngga kan?Amateur!


Setelah dari Tirta Empul kita segera makan malam.Kali ini ke Jimbaran.Jimbaran is the most famous place for fine dining in the world.It's soooo famous that even God have dinner here.Maksudnya gw.I'm travelling God,remember?Well,the food is good.But a lobster would make it perfect.Tapi sayangnya mereka nggak punya lobster.Walaupun gw udah bentak-bentak dan ngambek nggak mau makan kalo nggak ada lobster,mereka tetep nggak bisa menyediakan *menelan ludah melihat bule meja sebelah meninggalkan lobster yang masih dimakan setengah*


Dan akhirnya,hari ke tiga ditutup dengan cantik,dinner di Jimbaran yang romantis.Ahhh..romantisnya *mencium Ficky dan Siska,kita threesome.Banu jagain lilin*

53 komentar:

jengskaa mengatakan...

p.e.r.t.a.m.a.x

jengskaa mengatakan...

tenang aja id, gw ga bakal cerita kok kalo di tirta empul lo dan banu telanjang bareng di kamar ganti trus dari luar terdengar tawa cekikikan dan bisikan bisikan lirih. dan desahan.

rahasia itu akan gw bawa sampe mati id... +mengacungkan jari tanda victory+

Perez mengatakan...

argh...ini yang guw suka dari lo!!! ini yang buat guw gak lari ke laen hati! owh travelling god...bawalah aku pergi bersamamu, tunjukkan aq tempat-tempat indah di bumi dengan budget yg mini!
owh..lu berduaan telanjang ma banu di kamar ganti...owh..owh...

Roid mengatakan...

@jengskaa : terimakasih jengskaa.jagalah rahasia ini.aku tidak ingin semua orang tau sebelum kandungan ini membesar.

@perez : iya Dis.mau gabung sama kita?

Alil mengatakan...

perjalanan yang memuaskan...
begitu besar usaha travelling god untuk berhemat... hahahhaa

Gogo Caroselle mengatakan...

ihhh i love you so much deh id!
selalu yah bisa bikin ketawaaa ahhahahaha!
seru sseru seruuuu,
kapan2 ke bali ikut yaa akyuu

niko mengatakan...

*semakin memantapkan niat buat ke bali berbekal panduan hemat dan praktis dari travelling god. god, i love you so much... smooooch...*

klo jalan lagi ikutan dong.. :D

rerere mengatakan...

oh my gspot,

im soooo gonna go to bali to practice your tips...

thank you travelling GOD, your tips is LEGENDARY...

*shame on you lonely planet

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If we can recollect a previous news when US blamed Russia for the earthquake in Georgio. What do you guys think? Is it really possible to create an earthquake by humans?
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Jadi bersyukur jadi orang Indonesia.

Gak usah jauh2 kalo mau ke "paradise island" buat ngebaptis hape kita.

Salam kenal, Roid!

alyudha mengatakan...

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atas gw ngbaptis hapenya

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